Ah..........the holiday season appears to be upon us once again. I can't seem to avoid them know matter how hard I try to hide. Most know I harbor a strong dislike for the holiday season, but most don't know or have forgotten why. It was at this time a year, almost 4 years ago now that I learned the hardest lesson I have ever learned in my entire life. One I will never forget. One I can not stress the importance of enough to others. When it comes to something or someone in your life that you love, care about, or holds any kind of importance do NOT ever put them off until later or when you think you will have more time. Tell them, call them, hug them now. Right now. Because later may never come.
This time of year holds 4 significant dates to me. There's the obvious of Thanksgiving and Christmas. The less obvious is my birthday, November 27th. And even less obvious is that date I lost my dad. December 29th, 2007. This will be the 3rd round of celebrating the holidays, and my birthday without him. And the 4th anniversary of his passing. No birthday or holiday will ever be the same without hearing the familiar "Hey Jen, it's dad" on the end of my ringing phone.
By the time he passed he had lived in Chicago for just over 10 years so I only saw him once at the holiday season around Christmas time to exchange gifts and visit, the rest was via phone calls and emails. The year he passed we thankfully had our Christmas visit a few days before the holiday rather then putting it off until after, but I cut the visit short because I had somewhere to be that evening assuming there would always be another time. At the time I was married to my first husband and we had 3 sets of parents in town between the 2 of us that kept us very busy on Christmas Day so that day after major running around we returned home late that evening. There was a message on my voice mail with the very familiar "Hey Jen, it's dad". Calling to see how the day had been for me, for the kids, etc.........but, it was a call that I never got to return.
I was tired from the day and busy with work at the time and told myself I would simply return his call another time when I had more time and energy to chat. Which wasn't unheard of in our relationship. We both had very busy lives and calls to each other often went days until they were returned so it wasn't unusual at all so I didn't think twice about it. 4 days later I got the call from my step-mom. My dad had passed at age 54. Complications from alcoholism. And the message he left on my voice mail on Christmas day was the last time I heard his voice and became a call I would never be able to return.
I knew he struggled with alcohol. About a year prior to his passing he had spent a couple weeks in the hospital due to it and was told then to stop drinking or he would die. He stopped. Then and there and passed away 9 months later due to his demons completely sober. He fought for his life, but ultimately it became a battle that was just to great.
To this day I'm haunted by the shortness and abruptness of our last visit and regret not taking the time to pick up that phone, dial 10 numbers, and tell him how much he meant to me. I thank god I had that last visit from him a week before his passing, but if I had known it would be the last time I ever got to see him, hug him, laugh at his incredible sense of humor I would have grabbed onto him and not let him go.
The moral of this is do not ever put off anyone or anything you love. In our busy lives it's extremely easy to say "pffffttttt, no big deal I'll do it tomorrow. I'll talk to them later. We'll get together next week." We all assume tomorrow will always come, but tomorrow is not promised. Truth is no one ever knows what tomorrow will bring so if you love someone, cherish them today and everyday because tomorrow may never come.
R.I.P. Greg Lackner
August 22, 1953-December 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
The introvert in me.
Introverted personality.
Hmmmmmmmmm, it's kind of a broad definition, and one that is highly misunderstood. Everyone that falls into this category has some similarities, but also has their own unique take on it because everyone is an individual. The one thing that we all do have in common is that you extroverts do not now, and probably never will, completely understand why we do things or handle things/people/situations the way that we do. This is just simply my take on it to try and get understanding instead of offending. I'm normally not too terribly concerned about offending, but............
I've been described as blunt, quiet, loud-mouthed, not a people-person, edgy, angry, and sometimes cold-hearted. Now, while some of these may be true depending on the situation, it's not always true and some of my behavior I think may be misunderstood as one of the above. I've been told that I walk quickly, often without smiling and with what appears to be a chip on my shoulder.........but, also that once they got to know me it was a whole different story. And that.........does take some time. When I'm quiet around people it's not because I'm trying to be rude, I tend to just listen. Take it all in. Then I will decide how open, if at all, I choose to be around you. If I like you, trust you, and generally get a good vibe from you you won't be able to shut me up. If I don't, you may never see me again.
Why? Because I don't know you. And if I don't know you, I don't trust you, and I'm not comfortable around you. I've always preferred to have a few select close friends rather then a large group of people I don't know very well. Maybe because I've been screwed over, betrayed, taken advantage of, and hurt by those I allowed into my life and thought I could trust and count on, maybe just because as I've gotten older I've gotten wiser, who knows, but it's the way it is. I don't like being in large groups of people. I loathe large crowds, especially when it's a large crowd of strangers. I may enjoy a night out for a few hours with a group of familiar faces.......but only for a short time. After that I need my escape. To my home. To familiar territory. To sit in quiet to recharge my batteries because to me, being in a large group of people (especially strangers) is mentally exhausting.
Sometimes I don't reach out on my own, but it's not because I don't care, it's because I don't speak up all the time, but if you need something, all you have to do is ask if I haven't offered. If I like you, I'd give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. Which is why when someone I once thought to be close to me isn't there for me when I could use them the most breaks my heart. I'm not necessarily going to come to you, pointing my finger, and saying you fucked up and I'm mad, but I'm definitely going to change my relationship with you because you hurt me, and I don't like that. I may still take your call, answer a question, say hello once in awhile, but I won't forget that you made me cry.
Crying.......yes, I do it. Probably more then you think because I do my hardest to avoid doing in front of others. Strength in front of others is simply what I try to do. I always viewed weakness as vulnerability and to me that is a threat. Rest assured though behind every "I'm fine, really" is a few tears that will be shed when in private.
Personal space.......I cherish mine. I don't like to be touched, hugged, patted, etc. This is my space, that is yours. I won't go into yours, please don't come into mine. If I see you crying please don't mistake my distance as cold-hearted. I want to listen to you, lend an understanding ear, offer any advice or words of comfort I may have to offer, but chanes are I won't be hugging you. It's nothing personal, it's simply my personality.
I don't coo over babies, I don't ooh and aah over a new haircut or your childs most recent accomplishment, and I don't pretend to have sympathy when someone does something stupid causing them either emotional or physical pain. If I think you did something stupid, I'll tell you. If you need something, you may ask me to get it for you, I may throw it at you after I fetch it, but I'm damn sure not going to say "ooooohhhhhhh, poor baby" when you're capable of taking care of yourself.
I turn down invites to parties, cook-outs, and other events for a quiet evening in simply because that's where my comfort level lies. It's nothing personal against the person that gave the invitation, it's just me being comfortable being me. It's easy for people who are not introverts to think that I'm being rude or anti-social or even lashing out at them specifically because I say "thanks, but no thanks" and it really isn't anything even close. It's me refusing to put myself in a situation I know I'm going to be uncomfortable in just to please others.
Please don't confuse my silence or distance for weakness or ignorance. It is neither. I've overcome a lot of obstacles in my life and been through more bull shit that could fit into one evening of idle chit-chat over glasses of wine, and that has made me a very strong person. I would probably surprise you with some of what I'm capable of mentally and emotionally. Just because I choose not to broadcast it to everyone that has ever crossed my path does not mean it doesn't exist. I know it's there, and those that have taken the time to be a part of my life know it.
My husband understands me even though he's the complete opposite. My best friend understands me. My mom understands me. Fellow introverts understand me. Extroverts do not understand me or anyone else with an introverted personality. We all have our own way of living, but the general description is we simply like to be left alone when we want to be left alone. It's not directed at anyone inparticular, or meant to offend anyone, it's because it's just how we're comfortable. You may not understand it, but it is possible to accept and respect things and people even if you don't necessarily understand them. We can respect your life choices, it's not that difficult for you to do the same.
Hmmmmmmmmm, it's kind of a broad definition, and one that is highly misunderstood. Everyone that falls into this category has some similarities, but also has their own unique take on it because everyone is an individual. The one thing that we all do have in common is that you extroverts do not now, and probably never will, completely understand why we do things or handle things/people/situations the way that we do. This is just simply my take on it to try and get understanding instead of offending. I'm normally not too terribly concerned about offending, but............
I've been described as blunt, quiet, loud-mouthed, not a people-person, edgy, angry, and sometimes cold-hearted. Now, while some of these may be true depending on the situation, it's not always true and some of my behavior I think may be misunderstood as one of the above. I've been told that I walk quickly, often without smiling and with what appears to be a chip on my shoulder.........but, also that once they got to know me it was a whole different story. And that.........does take some time. When I'm quiet around people it's not because I'm trying to be rude, I tend to just listen. Take it all in. Then I will decide how open, if at all, I choose to be around you. If I like you, trust you, and generally get a good vibe from you you won't be able to shut me up. If I don't, you may never see me again.
Why? Because I don't know you. And if I don't know you, I don't trust you, and I'm not comfortable around you. I've always preferred to have a few select close friends rather then a large group of people I don't know very well. Maybe because I've been screwed over, betrayed, taken advantage of, and hurt by those I allowed into my life and thought I could trust and count on, maybe just because as I've gotten older I've gotten wiser, who knows, but it's the way it is. I don't like being in large groups of people. I loathe large crowds, especially when it's a large crowd of strangers. I may enjoy a night out for a few hours with a group of familiar faces.......but only for a short time. After that I need my escape. To my home. To familiar territory. To sit in quiet to recharge my batteries because to me, being in a large group of people (especially strangers) is mentally exhausting.
Sometimes I don't reach out on my own, but it's not because I don't care, it's because I don't speak up all the time, but if you need something, all you have to do is ask if I haven't offered. If I like you, I'd give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. Which is why when someone I once thought to be close to me isn't there for me when I could use them the most breaks my heart. I'm not necessarily going to come to you, pointing my finger, and saying you fucked up and I'm mad, but I'm definitely going to change my relationship with you because you hurt me, and I don't like that. I may still take your call, answer a question, say hello once in awhile, but I won't forget that you made me cry.
Crying.......yes, I do it. Probably more then you think because I do my hardest to avoid doing in front of others. Strength in front of others is simply what I try to do. I always viewed weakness as vulnerability and to me that is a threat. Rest assured though behind every "I'm fine, really" is a few tears that will be shed when in private.
Personal space.......I cherish mine. I don't like to be touched, hugged, patted, etc. This is my space, that is yours. I won't go into yours, please don't come into mine. If I see you crying please don't mistake my distance as cold-hearted. I want to listen to you, lend an understanding ear, offer any advice or words of comfort I may have to offer, but chanes are I won't be hugging you. It's nothing personal, it's simply my personality.
I don't coo over babies, I don't ooh and aah over a new haircut or your childs most recent accomplishment, and I don't pretend to have sympathy when someone does something stupid causing them either emotional or physical pain. If I think you did something stupid, I'll tell you. If you need something, you may ask me to get it for you, I may throw it at you after I fetch it, but I'm damn sure not going to say "ooooohhhhhhh, poor baby" when you're capable of taking care of yourself.
I turn down invites to parties, cook-outs, and other events for a quiet evening in simply because that's where my comfort level lies. It's nothing personal against the person that gave the invitation, it's just me being comfortable being me. It's easy for people who are not introverts to think that I'm being rude or anti-social or even lashing out at them specifically because I say "thanks, but no thanks" and it really isn't anything even close. It's me refusing to put myself in a situation I know I'm going to be uncomfortable in just to please others.
Please don't confuse my silence or distance for weakness or ignorance. It is neither. I've overcome a lot of obstacles in my life and been through more bull shit that could fit into one evening of idle chit-chat over glasses of wine, and that has made me a very strong person. I would probably surprise you with some of what I'm capable of mentally and emotionally. Just because I choose not to broadcast it to everyone that has ever crossed my path does not mean it doesn't exist. I know it's there, and those that have taken the time to be a part of my life know it.
My husband understands me even though he's the complete opposite. My best friend understands me. My mom understands me. Fellow introverts understand me. Extroverts do not understand me or anyone else with an introverted personality. We all have our own way of living, but the general description is we simply like to be left alone when we want to be left alone. It's not directed at anyone inparticular, or meant to offend anyone, it's because it's just how we're comfortable. You may not understand it, but it is possible to accept and respect things and people even if you don't necessarily understand them. We can respect your life choices, it's not that difficult for you to do the same.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
A hard lesson to learn, but sometimes the truth hurts.
Everyone is constantly learning, whether we want to or not. Whether we recognize it or not. Whether we like it or not. And whether it's an easy lesson or one that causes hurt, anger, and confusion. Sometimes it's subtle and you may not realize it until later down the road with an "AHA" moment, sometimes it slaps you across the face and leaves you feeling like you just got hit by a semi. The past year or so of my life I feel as though I've had one such lesson thrown at me.
Most people in my life, whether folks I talk to on a regular basis, or who I associate with virtually via social media sites, are aware of my recent health struggles. And amidst the bad of that I've also had one positive by planning a wedding.
Both of these events are times in my life when I needed (and still do) people to lean on, to count on, to rely on, and to help keep my spirits up. And I have been very blessed with the number of people who check in on me, send me positive thoughts and prayers, congratulate me on the wedding plans, and just generally give me the chance to vent whether it's good or bad when needed.
That being said, the lesson I've learned amidst all these events is who in my life I can count on and feel truly cared about by. Some have really surprised me because they are folks that I haven't had much contact with over the years and/or have not been exceptionally close with, but surprised in an amazingly good way with their concern and love. The outpouring of thoughts, well wishes, and offers of help has been incredible and I feel truly blessed to have everyone who has done this in my life. On the flip side of that some have not been there as I thought they would be. And that truly hurts the heart.
The most recent life lesson I've learned is who I can and can't count on in this point in my life. Some have made me smile, some have made me cry, some I miss terribly because I don't know who else to turn too when in a time of need, but have had to learn to let go. And that.......is one of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn.
Most people in my life, whether folks I talk to on a regular basis, or who I associate with virtually via social media sites, are aware of my recent health struggles. And amidst the bad of that I've also had one positive by planning a wedding.
Both of these events are times in my life when I needed (and still do) people to lean on, to count on, to rely on, and to help keep my spirits up. And I have been very blessed with the number of people who check in on me, send me positive thoughts and prayers, congratulate me on the wedding plans, and just generally give me the chance to vent whether it's good or bad when needed.
That being said, the lesson I've learned amidst all these events is who in my life I can count on and feel truly cared about by. Some have really surprised me because they are folks that I haven't had much contact with over the years and/or have not been exceptionally close with, but surprised in an amazingly good way with their concern and love. The outpouring of thoughts, well wishes, and offers of help has been incredible and I feel truly blessed to have everyone who has done this in my life. On the flip side of that some have not been there as I thought they would be. And that truly hurts the heart.
The most recent life lesson I've learned is who I can and can't count on in this point in my life. Some have made me smile, some have made me cry, some I miss terribly because I don't know who else to turn too when in a time of need, but have had to learn to let go. And that.......is one of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Little known Jen facts......
I've decided to compose a list of little known Jen facts, since it takes quite a lot for me to open up to people. This leads to some surprised faces when little tid bits come out once in awhile. So, I figured I'd put everything out there someone may want to know, and maybe some things you don't really care about, but again, this is my blog and I'll write whatever I want.
#1-I'm an only child. No brothers, no sisters. My parents divorced and both remarried and neither one of my step-parents ever had children of their own so no steps either. Just lil 'ol me.
#2-I have a very small immediate family. Currently there are only 9 of us and that's counting my fiancee. I have lost all of my grandparents, great-grandparents, and my father. My father was an only child so no aunts or uncles there, my mom only has 1 sister. Not many of us left.
#3-speaking of great-grandparents, I had my great-grandfather until I was 19 years old and feel extremely lucky I did. He was one hell of a fiery Irish man, came from Ireland as a boy, and wouldn't give up without a fight. Passed away well into his nineties and had gone completely blind by that point.
#4-I can play the piano. I took lessons for many years when I was younger. It would take me a few to get reaquainted with the notes and keys, but I can. Surprised??
#5-I spent 3 years in my schools band playing the flute. When I got to high school I quit after my freshman year. I prefered to spend my time enjoying the games with my friends instead of playing in the band :)
#6-I became pregnant with my son when I was 16. I had him when I was 17. It was Feb. of my senior year of high school. I took 3 weeks off of school and went back and graduated on time, with my class, and with a B+ grade average. So.....I'm the last person someone can use the "high school is just to hard" excuse with to avoid graduating. If I did it with a newborn at home, you can also.
#7-I took tumbling lessons as a youngster for several years, and was pretty damn good at it too.
#8-I'm terrified of people in masks or with their faces painted too heavily to see them clearly. Snakes, fish, and heights also top the list of things I'm afraid of. And closed in spaces. On the flip side of that, too widely open spaces creep me out also.
#9-I have a blankie. And god help you if you touch it. It is mine. I do not share it with my own children. It is mine.
#10-I am an introvert by nature. It is not because I am rude, bitchy, or think I am better then anyone else if I'm quiet. I prefer to have a few close friends then a wide group of little known people around me. I don't trust people easily at all and am always on the defense around people I'm not familiar with. When faced with people I don't know, I am quiet because I'm taking it all in and deciding how much I can trust you with before I react. It's nothing personal, it's just how I am. If I'm around large groups for too long I long for my home to be left alone and recharge my batteries.
#11-My dad was a local actor. For a short time he had his own local t.v. show "Lackner After Hours" where he reviewed movies. His best friend also had a show "Unlce Don's Terror Theater". He was in many things in Rockford, and then in Chicago. He was an extra in the movie Stolen Summer. I grew up at the t.v. station, radio station (he had radio shows also), and in the theater watching him on stage. He passed away at age 54 almost 4 years ago.
#12-I read. A lot. And know a lot more about a lot of things you wouldn't think that I do. So don't underestimate me. I will surprise you. If I choose too. If I don't care for you, I won't talk to you.
AND finally #13-simply because 13 is my favorite number.
Enjoy!!!
#1-I'm an only child. No brothers, no sisters. My parents divorced and both remarried and neither one of my step-parents ever had children of their own so no steps either. Just lil 'ol me.
#2-I have a very small immediate family. Currently there are only 9 of us and that's counting my fiancee. I have lost all of my grandparents, great-grandparents, and my father. My father was an only child so no aunts or uncles there, my mom only has 1 sister. Not many of us left.
#3-speaking of great-grandparents, I had my great-grandfather until I was 19 years old and feel extremely lucky I did. He was one hell of a fiery Irish man, came from Ireland as a boy, and wouldn't give up without a fight. Passed away well into his nineties and had gone completely blind by that point.
#4-I can play the piano. I took lessons for many years when I was younger. It would take me a few to get reaquainted with the notes and keys, but I can. Surprised??
#5-I spent 3 years in my schools band playing the flute. When I got to high school I quit after my freshman year. I prefered to spend my time enjoying the games with my friends instead of playing in the band :)
#6-I became pregnant with my son when I was 16. I had him when I was 17. It was Feb. of my senior year of high school. I took 3 weeks off of school and went back and graduated on time, with my class, and with a B+ grade average. So.....I'm the last person someone can use the "high school is just to hard" excuse with to avoid graduating. If I did it with a newborn at home, you can also.
#7-I took tumbling lessons as a youngster for several years, and was pretty damn good at it too.
#8-I'm terrified of people in masks or with their faces painted too heavily to see them clearly. Snakes, fish, and heights also top the list of things I'm afraid of. And closed in spaces. On the flip side of that, too widely open spaces creep me out also.
#9-I have a blankie. And god help you if you touch it. It is mine. I do not share it with my own children. It is mine.
#10-I am an introvert by nature. It is not because I am rude, bitchy, or think I am better then anyone else if I'm quiet. I prefer to have a few close friends then a wide group of little known people around me. I don't trust people easily at all and am always on the defense around people I'm not familiar with. When faced with people I don't know, I am quiet because I'm taking it all in and deciding how much I can trust you with before I react. It's nothing personal, it's just how I am. If I'm around large groups for too long I long for my home to be left alone and recharge my batteries.
#11-My dad was a local actor. For a short time he had his own local t.v. show "Lackner After Hours" where he reviewed movies. His best friend also had a show "Unlce Don's Terror Theater". He was in many things in Rockford, and then in Chicago. He was an extra in the movie Stolen Summer. I grew up at the t.v. station, radio station (he had radio shows also), and in the theater watching him on stage. He passed away at age 54 almost 4 years ago.
#12-I read. A lot. And know a lot more about a lot of things you wouldn't think that I do. So don't underestimate me. I will surprise you. If I choose too. If I don't care for you, I won't talk to you.
AND finally #13-simply because 13 is my favorite number.
Enjoy!!!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Be careful of what you ask for.....
One thing I've had a lot of lately is time. And the lesson I've learned most recently is "be careful of what you ask for, because you just may get it".
One of my most favorite horror stories has always been The Monkey's Paw by W.W. Jacobs published in England in 1902. I've read the story several times over and over again. I watched my dad play the role of the father in that story in a collection of short skits combined into one Halloween performance at a theater in Chicago when he was alive and acting. That performance of his was dedicated to me in the program. I don't have a copy of it anymore, but I remember reading "For my daughter Jenni, who always loves a good scary story".
Anyone familiar with this story knows that the main message in that story is just what I opened this blog with. Be careful of what you ask for, because you just may get it. Although, the means that it is gotten by may be less then desirable leading you to regret ever making the request in the first place. That life is ruled by fate, and one should not wish things differently then what fate has in store for it because things can go horribly wrong. And the lesson of that horror story is one I should have taken more closely to heart.
Anyone not familiar with it, check it out. It's worth it.
Most recently in my life I had requested several times over and over again for a break from.......just things. I was stressed, angry, what I thought at the time was too busy, and would just say to anyone that would listen "I just want a BREAK!" As I'm sure we've all muttered at some point in time in all of our busy lives.
I hadn't been feeling "right" for a long time now. And recently learned the cause of it as things kept taking a turn for the worse. It is a condition that is fixable, and hopefully soon I will be fixed up and at least as good as new, if not better. It would appear I just need a tune-up ;-). In the meantime though, I have been forced into "taking a break". My health just won't allow me to NOT take that break at this time. The spirit has been willing, unfortunately the body just can't keep up. I try to do little things here and there, and I'm exhausted. Or I have to call someone and say "I just can't, I'm sorry. Please help" because I just don't feel well at all and those are some of the hardest words I've ever had to mutter. And I find myself wishing I was as stressed and busy as I was 6 months ago.
There has been times in the last few years that I'd start putting on a little extra weight ( I know, I know....I'm tiny, but I can still be self-conscious ya know?) and I'd think "Damn I miss the days of my teens where I didn't have to be mindful of what I ate". Due to the above mentioned health issue my weight has dramatically dropped. By about 30 pounds, which on my frame is a whole lot that I didn't have to lose. And I find myself wishing I had most of that back.
Which is what led me to realize......be careful what you wish for, because you just may in fact get it.
One of my most favorite horror stories has always been The Monkey's Paw by W.W. Jacobs published in England in 1902. I've read the story several times over and over again. I watched my dad play the role of the father in that story in a collection of short skits combined into one Halloween performance at a theater in Chicago when he was alive and acting. That performance of his was dedicated to me in the program. I don't have a copy of it anymore, but I remember reading "For my daughter Jenni, who always loves a good scary story".
Anyone familiar with this story knows that the main message in that story is just what I opened this blog with. Be careful of what you ask for, because you just may get it. Although, the means that it is gotten by may be less then desirable leading you to regret ever making the request in the first place. That life is ruled by fate, and one should not wish things differently then what fate has in store for it because things can go horribly wrong. And the lesson of that horror story is one I should have taken more closely to heart.
Anyone not familiar with it, check it out. It's worth it.
Most recently in my life I had requested several times over and over again for a break from.......just things. I was stressed, angry, what I thought at the time was too busy, and would just say to anyone that would listen "I just want a BREAK!" As I'm sure we've all muttered at some point in time in all of our busy lives.
I hadn't been feeling "right" for a long time now. And recently learned the cause of it as things kept taking a turn for the worse. It is a condition that is fixable, and hopefully soon I will be fixed up and at least as good as new, if not better. It would appear I just need a tune-up ;-). In the meantime though, I have been forced into "taking a break". My health just won't allow me to NOT take that break at this time. The spirit has been willing, unfortunately the body just can't keep up. I try to do little things here and there, and I'm exhausted. Or I have to call someone and say "I just can't, I'm sorry. Please help" because I just don't feel well at all and those are some of the hardest words I've ever had to mutter. And I find myself wishing I was as stressed and busy as I was 6 months ago.
There has been times in the last few years that I'd start putting on a little extra weight ( I know, I know....I'm tiny, but I can still be self-conscious ya know?) and I'd think "Damn I miss the days of my teens where I didn't have to be mindful of what I ate". Due to the above mentioned health issue my weight has dramatically dropped. By about 30 pounds, which on my frame is a whole lot that I didn't have to lose. And I find myself wishing I had most of that back.
Which is what led me to realize......be careful what you wish for, because you just may in fact get it.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Every picture tells a story, don't it?
In the words of Rod Stewart, ♫♫ Every picture tells a story, don't it? ♫♫. I currently have 11 pieces of artwork permanently inked onto my body (Yes, that's right. I said 11, surprised?) and most of them have a story to tell. So here goes......
My very first piece of artwork was when I was 19 and actually started more as a bet then anything else. I was bet $5 that I couldn't actually go through the pain of getting inked. Considering I now have 11 of them with the intention to add on to those, I would say I won. It is mid thigh on my right leg. It is half of a sun and half of a moon, and is still as bright today as it was the day I got it done. The sun is a masculine symbol of giving life. Without it the world would be cold, dark, and barren. The moon is a feminine symbol of touching all life and stimulating life, especially at night. When put together, simply put life is created.
#2 came in the form of a daisy on the left side, lower to mid portion of my back. The daisy represents innocence, loyalty in love, purity, and faith. Although the artist did a shitty job so be careful of who you choose to permanently decorate your body. #3 is a butterfly centered on some tribal art in between my shoulder blades on my back. The butterfly represents delicate beauty, while stronger then it appears. You can not kill a butterfly by simply crushing it's wings.
#4 is an ankle band of cherry blossoms, all randomly colored in various colors because, well, I'm random. However, the cherry blossom represents the transience of life. It is short, enjoy it to it's fullest. #5 is a piece of tribal art with a heart on my lower back. The only meaning behind that is that I like tribal art tattoos. A lot. And the guy who did it owed my ex money and worked it off on my back. And that one hurt like a son of a bitch. I'm aware ones in that location are referred to as tramp stamps. The last person that said that too me got very familiar with how it feels to get kicked in the nuts. #6 is the tribal art circling my left wrist, because again, I like tribal art. I think it's cool.
#7 holds the spot nearest and dearest to my heart and always will. It is a blue rose with some tribal. It is on the left side of my chest by my heart. A blue rose (or black ones) symbolize rebellion. It holds a special place in my heart because my father paid for me to get that one done. My step-mother wanted a tattoo (her 1st) for her birthday and was nervous going alone. He called me asking me to go with her and in exchange he would pay for a new one for me. My dad has since passed away. But I will forever have a piece of him literally on my heart. It is faded and could use a touch up, but no one will ever touch it again.
#8, well that's just amusing. My now ex hated my tattoos and piercings. With a passion. Told me regularly how trashy they were and if I got anymore he would move out. So......after our separation I did some researching (with the help of a friend and tattoo artist) and found the 2 chinese symbols that are tattooed on my right shoulder blade. One means freedom, one means independence. It just felt like the right thing to do ;-) It was also done by a friend and paid for by my longest friend as a birthday gift.
#9 is the 3 symbols tattooed on my left shoulder blade. They are 3 zodiac signs. One for me. One for each of my children.
#10 and #11 are both stars on top and bottom of my right wrist. Stars symbolize guidance and protection. They are there to light the way home when one has lost their way.
To add to that, I also have my belly pierced, my tongue pierced, my nose pierced, several holes in each ear including my cartilage. Gauges in sized to 2g. My tragus pierced, and my conch pierced (if curious google the images or look at my ears next time you see me).
So, there you have it. There will be more added, some may have meaning, some may be just simply because I think it looks bad ass. I know a lot of people think they're trashy, I think they're lovely and they make me me. Simply put, you may not understand why those of us with them have them. And you know what? We don't understand why you don't. But we also don't judge you because you don't so please don't judge us because we do. We're still good, caring, honest hard working people. They don't make us bad, trashy, or criminals simply because we choose to have body art, even though that can be the stereotype given rather easily. Most definitely falls into the "don't judge a book by it's cover" category. Those of us that love them will never be able to make those that don't understand why we do and we respect that. Please respect the fact that we're still people, just more colorfully decorated ones :-)
Most of them have a reason for being there because.......every picture tells a story, don't it?
My very first piece of artwork was when I was 19 and actually started more as a bet then anything else. I was bet $5 that I couldn't actually go through the pain of getting inked. Considering I now have 11 of them with the intention to add on to those, I would say I won. It is mid thigh on my right leg. It is half of a sun and half of a moon, and is still as bright today as it was the day I got it done. The sun is a masculine symbol of giving life. Without it the world would be cold, dark, and barren. The moon is a feminine symbol of touching all life and stimulating life, especially at night. When put together, simply put life is created.
#2 came in the form of a daisy on the left side, lower to mid portion of my back. The daisy represents innocence, loyalty in love, purity, and faith. Although the artist did a shitty job so be careful of who you choose to permanently decorate your body. #3 is a butterfly centered on some tribal art in between my shoulder blades on my back. The butterfly represents delicate beauty, while stronger then it appears. You can not kill a butterfly by simply crushing it's wings.
#4 is an ankle band of cherry blossoms, all randomly colored in various colors because, well, I'm random. However, the cherry blossom represents the transience of life. It is short, enjoy it to it's fullest. #5 is a piece of tribal art with a heart on my lower back. The only meaning behind that is that I like tribal art tattoos. A lot. And the guy who did it owed my ex money and worked it off on my back. And that one hurt like a son of a bitch. I'm aware ones in that location are referred to as tramp stamps. The last person that said that too me got very familiar with how it feels to get kicked in the nuts. #6 is the tribal art circling my left wrist, because again, I like tribal art. I think it's cool.
#7 holds the spot nearest and dearest to my heart and always will. It is a blue rose with some tribal. It is on the left side of my chest by my heart. A blue rose (or black ones) symbolize rebellion. It holds a special place in my heart because my father paid for me to get that one done. My step-mother wanted a tattoo (her 1st) for her birthday and was nervous going alone. He called me asking me to go with her and in exchange he would pay for a new one for me. My dad has since passed away. But I will forever have a piece of him literally on my heart. It is faded and could use a touch up, but no one will ever touch it again.
#8, well that's just amusing. My now ex hated my tattoos and piercings. With a passion. Told me regularly how trashy they were and if I got anymore he would move out. So......after our separation I did some researching (with the help of a friend and tattoo artist) and found the 2 chinese symbols that are tattooed on my right shoulder blade. One means freedom, one means independence. It just felt like the right thing to do ;-) It was also done by a friend and paid for by my longest friend as a birthday gift.
#9 is the 3 symbols tattooed on my left shoulder blade. They are 3 zodiac signs. One for me. One for each of my children.
#10 and #11 are both stars on top and bottom of my right wrist. Stars symbolize guidance and protection. They are there to light the way home when one has lost their way.
To add to that, I also have my belly pierced, my tongue pierced, my nose pierced, several holes in each ear including my cartilage. Gauges in sized to 2g. My tragus pierced, and my conch pierced (if curious google the images or look at my ears next time you see me).
So, there you have it. There will be more added, some may have meaning, some may be just simply because I think it looks bad ass. I know a lot of people think they're trashy, I think they're lovely and they make me me. Simply put, you may not understand why those of us with them have them. And you know what? We don't understand why you don't. But we also don't judge you because you don't so please don't judge us because we do. We're still good, caring, honest hard working people. They don't make us bad, trashy, or criminals simply because we choose to have body art, even though that can be the stereotype given rather easily. Most definitely falls into the "don't judge a book by it's cover" category. Those of us that love them will never be able to make those that don't understand why we do and we respect that. Please respect the fact that we're still people, just more colorfully decorated ones :-)
Most of them have a reason for being there because.......every picture tells a story, don't it?
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Skinny girls have feelings too
I've recently been inspired to get back to my roots, which is writing as an outlet. This may be my one and only blog, it may be the first of many. It may make you smile, it may piss you off, either way...I don't really care, because it's mine. Hopefully people will read it and enjoy it, and maybe take something away from it. It's not meant to offend, however it's also not meant to satisfy anyone but me.
That being said, back to elaborating on my title. I am a skinny girl. I have always been a skinny girl with the exception of when I was pregnant with my 2 children. I am naturally thin, blessed with a high metabolism that I inherited from my mother. I am not anorexic, I am not bulimec, I do not obsess over my weight, watch what I eat, or over-exercise. I eat what I want, when I want, how much of it I want, and exercise if and when I damn well feel like it. And I'm tired of apologizing for it. I have been doing it the vast majority of my life now and to be perfectly honest, it gets very tiring. I don't ask you to explain or apologize for your height, weight, hair color, or eye color so why should I be made to feel inferior because I am thin?
I have heard all the jokes, smart ass remarks, and then some. Some are quite creative, others, not so much. The most common ones being: "Do you ever eat? Why don't you go eat a sandwich? She's not hungry, she ate a grape yesterday. Here's a pool cue-HIDE!!" And that's among the side-way glances, dirty looks, and the half-ass joking of being told someone hates me, that I could fit into the leg of their jeans, that I could shop in the children's section, the list goes on and on.
The majority of the time I smile, force a giggle, and walk away, when in all actuality I'd like to reach out and slap the person making the snide remark because although they do the best to make it come off as joke, it's blatantly obvious there is a snide and sometimes disrespectful aspect to their comment. If a heavy set person, ethnic person, or disabled person received comments and jokes in the manner that skinny girls do it would border on harassment and discrimination. Which leads me back to my above mentioned statements. Why should I apologize to you because of my body size and shape? I don't ask you to apologize for yours and ask for the same respect from you when it comes to mine. I can no more help the fact that I am thin then you can help what eye color you have.
An additional side note when it comes to me personally, I currently have a semi-serious health issue going on that has made me lose even more weight, that I personally can't afford to lose. The weight loss has been unexplained and can not be controlled until I get a surgical fix which is in the doctors hands, not mine. If it were up to me, I would be about 20 pounds heavier, healthier, and damn sure a lot happier.
So, I have the choice of smiling and pretending that my feelings are not affected by every sarcastic remark made at me, crying, yelling, snapping back, or finding a different outlet which is what I have done here. The long and short of this is, yes, I am thin. I'm blessed, lucky, and grateful for the size and shape I was given in this life. But.....I also have feelings, that can be hurt when smart ass comments are made directed at that size and shape, especially in my current condition which is unhealthy and not in my control. So, please, think before you speak. Skinny girls have feelings too.
That being said, back to elaborating on my title. I am a skinny girl. I have always been a skinny girl with the exception of when I was pregnant with my 2 children. I am naturally thin, blessed with a high metabolism that I inherited from my mother. I am not anorexic, I am not bulimec, I do not obsess over my weight, watch what I eat, or over-exercise. I eat what I want, when I want, how much of it I want, and exercise if and when I damn well feel like it. And I'm tired of apologizing for it. I have been doing it the vast majority of my life now and to be perfectly honest, it gets very tiring. I don't ask you to explain or apologize for your height, weight, hair color, or eye color so why should I be made to feel inferior because I am thin?
I have heard all the jokes, smart ass remarks, and then some. Some are quite creative, others, not so much. The most common ones being: "Do you ever eat? Why don't you go eat a sandwich? She's not hungry, she ate a grape yesterday. Here's a pool cue-HIDE!!" And that's among the side-way glances, dirty looks, and the half-ass joking of being told someone hates me, that I could fit into the leg of their jeans, that I could shop in the children's section, the list goes on and on.
The majority of the time I smile, force a giggle, and walk away, when in all actuality I'd like to reach out and slap the person making the snide remark because although they do the best to make it come off as joke, it's blatantly obvious there is a snide and sometimes disrespectful aspect to their comment. If a heavy set person, ethnic person, or disabled person received comments and jokes in the manner that skinny girls do it would border on harassment and discrimination. Which leads me back to my above mentioned statements. Why should I apologize to you because of my body size and shape? I don't ask you to apologize for yours and ask for the same respect from you when it comes to mine. I can no more help the fact that I am thin then you can help what eye color you have.
An additional side note when it comes to me personally, I currently have a semi-serious health issue going on that has made me lose even more weight, that I personally can't afford to lose. The weight loss has been unexplained and can not be controlled until I get a surgical fix which is in the doctors hands, not mine. If it were up to me, I would be about 20 pounds heavier, healthier, and damn sure a lot happier.
So, I have the choice of smiling and pretending that my feelings are not affected by every sarcastic remark made at me, crying, yelling, snapping back, or finding a different outlet which is what I have done here. The long and short of this is, yes, I am thin. I'm blessed, lucky, and grateful for the size and shape I was given in this life. But.....I also have feelings, that can be hurt when smart ass comments are made directed at that size and shape, especially in my current condition which is unhealthy and not in my control. So, please, think before you speak. Skinny girls have feelings too.
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