Ah..........the holiday season appears to be upon us once again. I can't seem to avoid them know matter how hard I try to hide. Most know I harbor a strong dislike for the holiday season, but most don't know or have forgotten why. It was at this time a year, almost 4 years ago now that I learned the hardest lesson I have ever learned in my entire life. One I will never forget. One I can not stress the importance of enough to others. When it comes to something or someone in your life that you love, care about, or holds any kind of importance do NOT ever put them off until later or when you think you will have more time. Tell them, call them, hug them now. Right now. Because later may never come.
This time of year holds 4 significant dates to me. There's the obvious of Thanksgiving and Christmas. The less obvious is my birthday, November 27th. And even less obvious is that date I lost my dad. December 29th, 2007. This will be the 3rd round of celebrating the holidays, and my birthday without him. And the 4th anniversary of his passing. No birthday or holiday will ever be the same without hearing the familiar "Hey Jen, it's dad" on the end of my ringing phone.
By the time he passed he had lived in Chicago for just over 10 years so I only saw him once at the holiday season around Christmas time to exchange gifts and visit, the rest was via phone calls and emails. The year he passed we thankfully had our Christmas visit a few days before the holiday rather then putting it off until after, but I cut the visit short because I had somewhere to be that evening assuming there would always be another time. At the time I was married to my first husband and we had 3 sets of parents in town between the 2 of us that kept us very busy on Christmas Day so that day after major running around we returned home late that evening. There was a message on my voice mail with the very familiar "Hey Jen, it's dad". Calling to see how the day had been for me, for the kids, etc.........but, it was a call that I never got to return.
I was tired from the day and busy with work at the time and told myself I would simply return his call another time when I had more time and energy to chat. Which wasn't unheard of in our relationship. We both had very busy lives and calls to each other often went days until they were returned so it wasn't unusual at all so I didn't think twice about it. 4 days later I got the call from my step-mom. My dad had passed at age 54. Complications from alcoholism. And the message he left on my voice mail on Christmas day was the last time I heard his voice and became a call I would never be able to return.
I knew he struggled with alcohol. About a year prior to his passing he had spent a couple weeks in the hospital due to it and was told then to stop drinking or he would die. He stopped. Then and there and passed away 9 months later due to his demons completely sober. He fought for his life, but ultimately it became a battle that was just to great.
To this day I'm haunted by the shortness and abruptness of our last visit and regret not taking the time to pick up that phone, dial 10 numbers, and tell him how much he meant to me. I thank god I had that last visit from him a week before his passing, but if I had known it would be the last time I ever got to see him, hug him, laugh at his incredible sense of humor I would have grabbed onto him and not let him go.
The moral of this is do not ever put off anyone or anything you love. In our busy lives it's extremely easy to say "pffffttttt, no big deal I'll do it tomorrow. I'll talk to them later. We'll get together next week." We all assume tomorrow will always come, but tomorrow is not promised. Truth is no one ever knows what tomorrow will bring so if you love someone, cherish them today and everyday because tomorrow may never come.
R.I.P. Greg Lackner
August 22, 1953-December 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
The introvert in me.
Introverted personality.
Hmmmmmmmmm, it's kind of a broad definition, and one that is highly misunderstood. Everyone that falls into this category has some similarities, but also has their own unique take on it because everyone is an individual. The one thing that we all do have in common is that you extroverts do not now, and probably never will, completely understand why we do things or handle things/people/situations the way that we do. This is just simply my take on it to try and get understanding instead of offending. I'm normally not too terribly concerned about offending, but............
I've been described as blunt, quiet, loud-mouthed, not a people-person, edgy, angry, and sometimes cold-hearted. Now, while some of these may be true depending on the situation, it's not always true and some of my behavior I think may be misunderstood as one of the above. I've been told that I walk quickly, often without smiling and with what appears to be a chip on my shoulder.........but, also that once they got to know me it was a whole different story. And that.........does take some time. When I'm quiet around people it's not because I'm trying to be rude, I tend to just listen. Take it all in. Then I will decide how open, if at all, I choose to be around you. If I like you, trust you, and generally get a good vibe from you you won't be able to shut me up. If I don't, you may never see me again.
Why? Because I don't know you. And if I don't know you, I don't trust you, and I'm not comfortable around you. I've always preferred to have a few select close friends rather then a large group of people I don't know very well. Maybe because I've been screwed over, betrayed, taken advantage of, and hurt by those I allowed into my life and thought I could trust and count on, maybe just because as I've gotten older I've gotten wiser, who knows, but it's the way it is. I don't like being in large groups of people. I loathe large crowds, especially when it's a large crowd of strangers. I may enjoy a night out for a few hours with a group of familiar faces.......but only for a short time. After that I need my escape. To my home. To familiar territory. To sit in quiet to recharge my batteries because to me, being in a large group of people (especially strangers) is mentally exhausting.
Sometimes I don't reach out on my own, but it's not because I don't care, it's because I don't speak up all the time, but if you need something, all you have to do is ask if I haven't offered. If I like you, I'd give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. Which is why when someone I once thought to be close to me isn't there for me when I could use them the most breaks my heart. I'm not necessarily going to come to you, pointing my finger, and saying you fucked up and I'm mad, but I'm definitely going to change my relationship with you because you hurt me, and I don't like that. I may still take your call, answer a question, say hello once in awhile, but I won't forget that you made me cry.
Crying.......yes, I do it. Probably more then you think because I do my hardest to avoid doing in front of others. Strength in front of others is simply what I try to do. I always viewed weakness as vulnerability and to me that is a threat. Rest assured though behind every "I'm fine, really" is a few tears that will be shed when in private.
Personal space.......I cherish mine. I don't like to be touched, hugged, patted, etc. This is my space, that is yours. I won't go into yours, please don't come into mine. If I see you crying please don't mistake my distance as cold-hearted. I want to listen to you, lend an understanding ear, offer any advice or words of comfort I may have to offer, but chanes are I won't be hugging you. It's nothing personal, it's simply my personality.
I don't coo over babies, I don't ooh and aah over a new haircut or your childs most recent accomplishment, and I don't pretend to have sympathy when someone does something stupid causing them either emotional or physical pain. If I think you did something stupid, I'll tell you. If you need something, you may ask me to get it for you, I may throw it at you after I fetch it, but I'm damn sure not going to say "ooooohhhhhhh, poor baby" when you're capable of taking care of yourself.
I turn down invites to parties, cook-outs, and other events for a quiet evening in simply because that's where my comfort level lies. It's nothing personal against the person that gave the invitation, it's just me being comfortable being me. It's easy for people who are not introverts to think that I'm being rude or anti-social or even lashing out at them specifically because I say "thanks, but no thanks" and it really isn't anything even close. It's me refusing to put myself in a situation I know I'm going to be uncomfortable in just to please others.
Please don't confuse my silence or distance for weakness or ignorance. It is neither. I've overcome a lot of obstacles in my life and been through more bull shit that could fit into one evening of idle chit-chat over glasses of wine, and that has made me a very strong person. I would probably surprise you with some of what I'm capable of mentally and emotionally. Just because I choose not to broadcast it to everyone that has ever crossed my path does not mean it doesn't exist. I know it's there, and those that have taken the time to be a part of my life know it.
My husband understands me even though he's the complete opposite. My best friend understands me. My mom understands me. Fellow introverts understand me. Extroverts do not understand me or anyone else with an introverted personality. We all have our own way of living, but the general description is we simply like to be left alone when we want to be left alone. It's not directed at anyone inparticular, or meant to offend anyone, it's because it's just how we're comfortable. You may not understand it, but it is possible to accept and respect things and people even if you don't necessarily understand them. We can respect your life choices, it's not that difficult for you to do the same.
Hmmmmmmmmm, it's kind of a broad definition, and one that is highly misunderstood. Everyone that falls into this category has some similarities, but also has their own unique take on it because everyone is an individual. The one thing that we all do have in common is that you extroverts do not now, and probably never will, completely understand why we do things or handle things/people/situations the way that we do. This is just simply my take on it to try and get understanding instead of offending. I'm normally not too terribly concerned about offending, but............
I've been described as blunt, quiet, loud-mouthed, not a people-person, edgy, angry, and sometimes cold-hearted. Now, while some of these may be true depending on the situation, it's not always true and some of my behavior I think may be misunderstood as one of the above. I've been told that I walk quickly, often without smiling and with what appears to be a chip on my shoulder.........but, also that once they got to know me it was a whole different story. And that.........does take some time. When I'm quiet around people it's not because I'm trying to be rude, I tend to just listen. Take it all in. Then I will decide how open, if at all, I choose to be around you. If I like you, trust you, and generally get a good vibe from you you won't be able to shut me up. If I don't, you may never see me again.
Why? Because I don't know you. And if I don't know you, I don't trust you, and I'm not comfortable around you. I've always preferred to have a few select close friends rather then a large group of people I don't know very well. Maybe because I've been screwed over, betrayed, taken advantage of, and hurt by those I allowed into my life and thought I could trust and count on, maybe just because as I've gotten older I've gotten wiser, who knows, but it's the way it is. I don't like being in large groups of people. I loathe large crowds, especially when it's a large crowd of strangers. I may enjoy a night out for a few hours with a group of familiar faces.......but only for a short time. After that I need my escape. To my home. To familiar territory. To sit in quiet to recharge my batteries because to me, being in a large group of people (especially strangers) is mentally exhausting.
Sometimes I don't reach out on my own, but it's not because I don't care, it's because I don't speak up all the time, but if you need something, all you have to do is ask if I haven't offered. If I like you, I'd give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. Which is why when someone I once thought to be close to me isn't there for me when I could use them the most breaks my heart. I'm not necessarily going to come to you, pointing my finger, and saying you fucked up and I'm mad, but I'm definitely going to change my relationship with you because you hurt me, and I don't like that. I may still take your call, answer a question, say hello once in awhile, but I won't forget that you made me cry.
Crying.......yes, I do it. Probably more then you think because I do my hardest to avoid doing in front of others. Strength in front of others is simply what I try to do. I always viewed weakness as vulnerability and to me that is a threat. Rest assured though behind every "I'm fine, really" is a few tears that will be shed when in private.
Personal space.......I cherish mine. I don't like to be touched, hugged, patted, etc. This is my space, that is yours. I won't go into yours, please don't come into mine. If I see you crying please don't mistake my distance as cold-hearted. I want to listen to you, lend an understanding ear, offer any advice or words of comfort I may have to offer, but chanes are I won't be hugging you. It's nothing personal, it's simply my personality.
I don't coo over babies, I don't ooh and aah over a new haircut or your childs most recent accomplishment, and I don't pretend to have sympathy when someone does something stupid causing them either emotional or physical pain. If I think you did something stupid, I'll tell you. If you need something, you may ask me to get it for you, I may throw it at you after I fetch it, but I'm damn sure not going to say "ooooohhhhhhh, poor baby" when you're capable of taking care of yourself.
I turn down invites to parties, cook-outs, and other events for a quiet evening in simply because that's where my comfort level lies. It's nothing personal against the person that gave the invitation, it's just me being comfortable being me. It's easy for people who are not introverts to think that I'm being rude or anti-social or even lashing out at them specifically because I say "thanks, but no thanks" and it really isn't anything even close. It's me refusing to put myself in a situation I know I'm going to be uncomfortable in just to please others.
Please don't confuse my silence or distance for weakness or ignorance. It is neither. I've overcome a lot of obstacles in my life and been through more bull shit that could fit into one evening of idle chit-chat over glasses of wine, and that has made me a very strong person. I would probably surprise you with some of what I'm capable of mentally and emotionally. Just because I choose not to broadcast it to everyone that has ever crossed my path does not mean it doesn't exist. I know it's there, and those that have taken the time to be a part of my life know it.
My husband understands me even though he's the complete opposite. My best friend understands me. My mom understands me. Fellow introverts understand me. Extroverts do not understand me or anyone else with an introverted personality. We all have our own way of living, but the general description is we simply like to be left alone when we want to be left alone. It's not directed at anyone inparticular, or meant to offend anyone, it's because it's just how we're comfortable. You may not understand it, but it is possible to accept and respect things and people even if you don't necessarily understand them. We can respect your life choices, it's not that difficult for you to do the same.
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